


i believed in a dream

by keithslance (effervescence)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Keith's Birthday Week 2017, Season/Series 04 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 04:04:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12473076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/effervescence/pseuds/keithslance
Summary: This is love. Keith is sure of it. He feels it wrapping around his heart like burning hands, warming him from the inside out, pumping his blood faster in his veins, and he thinks, maybe. Maybe it's not going to be as bad as he fears.But the moment he turns away, he knows that isn't true. All that's before him is a dark corridor stretching into the Castle of Lions and away from his friends. His family. Every step he takes is bringing him further and further away from the people who made him believe he really mattered, who showed him that he had a place in this universe. That he was more than what he was told he would be.Each footstep feels like a death sentence, and Keith wonders how that could be.





	i believed in a dream

**Author's Note:**

> Are you wondering why I couldn't make something light and cute for my favorite boy's birthday? Me too. 
> 
> Tumblr: [marmoraskeith](http://marmoraskeith.tumblr.com/)

No matter what, this was always going to happen.

That’s what Keith tells himself as six pairs of eyes sear into his skin. The judgement and anger on each of their faces is enough to take his breath away, leaving his lungs folded in half and not working quite the same.

He wants to run. Wants to turn on his heel and feel each footstep jar his bones until his entire body is numb and all that’s left is the burn of his muscles and the air rattling out of his lungs.

Running was his escape back on Earth. He ran from anyone trying to get close to him, arms folded around his ribs to reinforce the cage around his heart. He ran from the Garrison with the words _"P_ _ILOT ERROR"_  curling into his ears like snakes. He ran from himself, with nothing but the desert on the horizon and dust coating his tongue as he pushed until his entire body was screaming and the emotions that roared in his stomach were dulled just enough to forget about until next time.

The way each person, each member of his new family, is looking at him makes his stomach drop to his feet.

Disappointment. Anger. Resentment. Judgment.

Well at least he’s par for course. He always lets down the people he loves.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help.”

His words fall on deaf ears. He knows that nothing will be the same between them ever again. He can feel it, a weighted presence that’s slowly suffocating him, tightening his lungs while the rest of his team continues to breathe fine.

They never really needed him anyway.

Every word they say confirms it. He let them down. Let the refugees down. Let an entire quadrant of the universe down. He knows. He knows, he knows, he knows.

He knows.

“This is not the way I wanted this to happen.”

It isn’t. This was inevitable, yes, but it shouldn’t have happened like this.

Pulling away is second nature to him. Closing the gates around his heart and building walls upon unscalable walls inside his chest until it becomes a labyrinth is all he knows how to do.

He’s had people try. Ones who step up to the mouth of the maze and stare down its dark corridors and contemplate if the boy before them is really worth the effort. Most decide he’s not. A few began to walk the halls, but quickly got lost and found a way out without a second thought.

Only one person has made it through, and right now he’s standing in front of Keith with a face so stoic and cold that Keith has to curl his hands into fists to stop himself from crossing his arms over his chest. As if that small barrier could ever compare to the ones Shiro wove past all those years ago before extending a hand with a smile. An invitation to take a new path, one that led him off a darker road that seemed to be the destination for kids like him.

Keith will never forget that hand, the way Shiro's fingers opened wide and how soft his eyes were when he asked Keith to believe in him the way that he believed in Keith.

And that’s exactly why he knows this is right. That this is what he needed to do for the Black Lion to take Shiro back as its paladin and as the rightful leader of Voltron.

The shuttered expression on Shiro’s face falls away when he hears those words leave Keith’s mouth, and Keith doesn’t understand how none of them get it. He had led because he had to. Because the Black Lion chose him, despite the nights he spent praying that it wouldn’t, that Shiro would come back, that this responsibility wouldn’t land on his shoulders, that he wouldn’t be a failure again.

He’d just made this family, this makeshift family made out of puzzle pieces whose edges don’t fit together quite right but still manage to make up the image of exactly what Keith needs. He didn’t need them to resent him and the thoughts that sometimes get too loud in his head, or the way his emotions boil up and over before he can get his hands on the reins and pull himself back.

There’s still so much about him that they don’t know, can’t know, won’t ever know now that it’s clear he isn’t needed anymore. So much that he can’t articulate because he _feels_ things, feels them so hard that at the end of the day he has to sit in a corner of his room with the lights off and his arms wrapped around his knees because it’s taking over every nerve in his body. He’ll feel raw, exposed, like someone just scrubbed his skin with a wire brush, and even the slightest of sounds can bring set him off.

Keith ruins everything he touches. This was no exception.

But at least Shiro is back, and he can lead them and the coalition on the path to freedom and victory. He can be what Voltron needs to win this, _really_ win this, and he says exactly that.

That’s what Keith has been saying all along – this was never his rightful place. He’ll miss Red. Already does, sometimes so bad that it takes the air from his lungs and he has to hold himself up or else his knees will give out. Her voice in his head, raspy and warm like the flames of a roaring fire, was an enormous comfort to him. When that connection snapped, he physically felt the break in his mind, like he was torn away too soon. He’s not sure he’ll ever stop missing it.

In the end, it doesn’t really matter. She has Lance now, and Blue has Allura. And Keith… Keith has a knife and some sort of tie to all of the questions swirling around his past and a group of rebels who are teaching him more about himself. He’s fine. He’ll be fine.

Shiro’s hand falls on his shoulder, jarring Keith out of his head and stopping him from getting too caught up in the mission that will completely pull him away from his team. The words he offers to Keith are an olive branch, like the opening of a bridge between Keith and the rest of them that soothes the itch that’s been crawling under Keith’s skin since he first came through the doors and saw the looks on their faces.

They care about him. Even after everything, they still care. Wrapped up in a tangle of arms and tearful smiles, Keith takes a breath and closes his eyes, trying to soak in this moment and bottle it inside of him for the days to come where he’ll really need it. He has a sinking feeling that those days are approaching rapidly.

When he’s finally released from their arms, he casts one last glance over his shoulder. Hunk is hanging off of Lance, tears streaming down his face. Lance is giving him a smile, though his eyes are tinged with a level of sadness Keith wasn't prepared for. Pidge is wiping her face and adjusting her glasses, her lips still trembling, and Coran is blowing his nose like a trumpet in the background. Allura and Shiro are both watching him with soft expressions on their faces. 

This is love. Keith is sure of it. He feels it wrapping around his heart like burning hands, warming him from the inside out, pumping his blood faster in his veins, and he thinks, maybe. Maybe it's not going to be as bad as he fears.

But the moment he turns away, he knows that isn't true. All that's before him is a dark corridor stretching into the Castle of Lions and away from his friends. His family. Every step he takes is bringing him further and further away from the people who made him believe he really mattered, who showed him that he had a place in this universe. That he was more than what he was told he would be.

Each footstep feels like a death sentence, and Keith wonders how that could be. 

 

-

 

He doesn't wonder anymore.

It makes sense, in a morbid way, that this is his curtain call. Because everything has led him to right here.

The controls are shaking in Keith's grip, a high pitched whine piercing his ears as the Galra fighter he's in struggles to stay functional. Alarms are blaring around him, the entire cockpit bathed in a deep red that makes it hard for Keith's eyes to focus. But he grits his teeth and pulls back, diving to avoid fire that would undoubtedly have sent him spinning into the blackness if he hadn't moved at that exact moment. 

The fray continues below him, rebel fighter ships clashing with Galra, lasers and gunfire lighting up the battlefield along with plumes of smoke and explosions so bright that Keith has to squint against it. His vessel is useless now. He lost the use of his weapon when he was hit before, and he can't help but watch with a growing sense of dread as the rebel fire does nothing against the shield they're so desperate to penetrate. 

That's when that final gear in Keith's head slots into place, the wheels turning and gaining speed and  _oh_.

Oh.

It's hard not to believe that this is some sort of destiny. That Keith wasn't  _meant_ to be right here, right now, with this sickening twist in his gut screaming at him that his friends are in danger, that he has to do something  _now_ , so of course. Of course.

His hands move on auto-pilot, his shoulders aching as he presses forward and feels his heart climb into his throat as his ship curves down into a nosedive. 

It's okay that Keith didn't grow up with hands that helped shape him and guide him, or that he never felt his mother's kiss. It's okay that he built his walls out of the ruins of his heart and closed himself off until one person started to knock them down. It's okay that then five more came along and put their hands on his lungs and reminded him what it was like to laugh again. And it's okay that he had to leave them, for their own good even though it's the hardest thing Keith has ever had to do.

Because he's here, now, muscles shaking as he pushes on, the grid-like shield growing closer and closer until sickly purple is all he can see. And it's all to save them. 

Keith closes his eyes. 

He can feel a line of sweat curving down from his temple to his jaw, and the way his hair is sticking to his forehead. He can feel his heart hammering in his chest and the fear that comes with it, both of them threatening to shatter his ribs. He can feel the ache in his fingers from how tight he's gripping the controls and a strain in his back, but he stays hunched forward, pushing harder, faster, because this is right.

And just like that, the fear melts away. In its place is a sense of peace so encompassing that it takes Keith's breath away, and he's suddenly able to take comfort in the blackness behind his eyes.

No matter what, this was always going to happen.

He just never thought that the day he was born would also be the day that he died.


End file.
